The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Levels of a hangover...
23:10 Jul 28 2007
Times Read: 845

One Star Hangover (*) No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**) No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***) Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****) Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your > eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five poos you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****) You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your a$$. Death sounds pretty good about right now..



THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably

Innovative

Preliminary

Proliferation

Cinnamon



THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity

British Constitution

Passive-aggressive disorder

Loquacious

Transubstantiate



THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Thanks, but I don't want to have $ex .

Nope, no more booze for me .

Sorry, but you're not really my type .

Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight

Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing



Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile

10 REASONS TO HATE STAR TREK
00:59 Jul 25 2007
Times Read: 859

10. Noisy doors.

You can't walk three feet in a starship without some door whooshing or screeching at you. My office building has automatic sliding doors. They're dead silent. If those doors went "wheet!" every time a person walked through them, about once a month some guy in accounting would snap and go on a shooting rampage. Sorry Scotty, the IEEE has revoked your membership until you learn to master WD-40





9. The Federation.

This organization creeps me out. A planet-wide government that runs everything, and that has abolished money. A veritable planetary DMV. Oh sure, it looks like a cool place when you're rocketing around in a Federation Starship, but I wonder how the guy driving a Federation dump truck feels about it?





And everyone has to wear those spandex uniforms. Here's an important fact: Most people, you don't want to see them in spandex. You'd pay good money to not have to see them. If money hadn't been abolished, that is. So you're screwed.





8. Reversing the Polarity.

For cripes sake Giordi, stop reversing the polarity of everything! It might work once in a while, but usually it just screws things up. I have it on good authority that the technicians at Starbase 12 HATE that. Every time the Enterprise comes in for its 10,000 hour checkup, they've gotta go through the whole damned ship fixing stuff. "What happened to the toilet in Stateroom 3?" "Well, the plumbing backed up, and Giordi thought he could fix it by reversing the polarity."





Between Scotty's poor lubrication habits and Geordi's damned polarity reversing trick, it's a wonder the Enterprise doesn't just spontaneously explode whenever they put the juice to it.





7. Seatbelts.

Yeah, I know this one is overdone, but you'd think that the first time an explosion caused the guy at the nav station to fly over the captain's head with a good 8 feet of clearance, someone would say, "You know, we might think of inventing some furutistic restraining device to prevent that from happening." So of course, they did make something like that for the second Enterprise (the first one blew up due to poor lubrication), but what was it? A hard plastic thing that's locked over your thighs. Oh, I'll bet THAT feels good in the corners. "Hey look! The leg-bars worked as advertised! There goes Kirk's torso!"





6. No fuses.

Every time there's a power surge on the Enterprise the various stations and consoles explode in a shower of sparks and throw their seatbelt-less operators over Picard's head. If we could get Giordi to stop reversing the polarity for a minute, we could get him to go shopping at the nearest Starship parts store and pick up a few fuses. And while he's shopping, he could stop at an intergalactic IKEA and pick up a few chairs for the bridge personnel. If you're going to put me in front of a fuseless exploding console all day, the least you could do is let me sit down.







5. Rule by committee.

Here's the difference between Star Trek and the best SF show on TV last year:



Star Trek:



Picard: "Arm photon torpedoes!"

Riker: "Captain! Are you sure that's wise?"

Troi: "Captain! I'm picking up conflicting feelings about this! And, it appears that you're a 'fraidy cat."

Wesley: "Captain, I'm just an annoying punk, but I thought I should say something."

Worf: "Captain, can I push the button? This is giving me a big Klingon warrior chubby."

Giordi: "Captain, I think we should reverse the polarity on them first."

Picard: "I'm so confused. I'm going to go to my stateroom and look

pensive."





Firefly:



Captain: "Let's shoot them."

Crewman: "Are you sure that's wise?"

Captain: "Do you know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I'll BEAT YOU WITH until you realize who's in command."

Crewman: "Aye Aye, sir!"





4. A Star Trek quiz:

Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and 'Ensign Gomez' beam down to a planet. Which one isn't coming back?





3. Technobabble.

The other night, I couldn't get my car to start. I solved the problem by reversing the polarity of the car battery, and routing the power through my satellite dish. The resulting subspace plasma caused a rift in the space-time continuum, which created a quantum tunnelling effect that charged the protons in the engine core, thus starting my car. Child's play, really. As a happy side-effect, I also now get the Spice Channel for free.





2. The Holodeck.

I mean, it's cool and all. But do you really believe that people would use it to re-create Sherlock Holmes mysteries and old-west saloons? Come on, we all know what the holodeck would be used for. And we also know what the worst job on the Enterprise would be: Having to squeegie the holodeck clean.





1. The Prime Directive.

How stupid is this? Remember when Marvin the Martian was going to blow up the Earth, because it obstructed his view of Venus? And how Bugs Bunny stopped him by stealing the Illudium Q36 Space Modulator? Well, in the Star Trek universe, Bugs would be doing time. Probably in a room filled with Roseanne look-alikes wearing spandex uniforms, walking through doors going WHEET! all day. It would be heck. At least until the Kaboom. The Earth-shattering Kaboom.

..............*sigh*...............
21:47 Jul 22 2007
Times Read: 878

"What do you want for your birthday, love?"



This from my sweet husband, over a month ago...



All I wanted for my birthday were three things:



1) to have dinner with my new family

2) the new Harry Potter book.

3) To see the new Harry Potter movie.



One and two? That's easy- dinner with my inlaws and extended family is always a good time, whether we eat out, or Steve throws various pieces and chunks of meat and veggies on the bbq. We laugh, drink, share, sometimes even cry a little. I met his aunts and uncles at just such a party, when we were first married. Found out his sister was engaged to her boyfriend at just such a gathering. Learned just how warm and caring they were when the stepmonster went on her latest rampage, because they were there and ready to help.



The Harry Potter book is a no brainer. It's the end of a beloved series, and one that I shall weep at the end of as surely as the author did at writing the final sentence. Harry Potter books are like comfort food for my brain. And I adore them all.



Three? See, that is where there is a problem. Scott did indeed take me to see the movie, and not just any movie, he took me to see it in IMAX with the optional 3-D part at the end. We went on the Thursday after it premiered, early in the afternoon, when crowds were minimal, and we got the best seats in the house.



But....



And I waited a LONG time before writing this down, because I never know exactly how what I write here will affect people. Some people read for the fun, some take this stuff WAYYY too seriously, some, well some just come looking for VR's version of yellow journalism. Ask Khayman- she'll tell you. Her readership multiplies whenever she is having man trouble-have a dramatic tag line about something? Trust me, you will have people all over your journal.



* standing up from the sea of Potter lovers and holding up my hand*



I did not like the latest Harry Potter movie.



There, I said it, and I am glad. For once, I decided that covering up what I thought and felt about something was NOT the way to go on this. Anyone that has asked has gotten the same response.



"I was thoroughly disappointed in the latest movie"



Why you ask?



It lacked. In EVERYTHING. And as per the fact that the director is more accustomed to directing tv shows than feature length motion pictures, it showed in glaring chunks.



Within the first five or ten minutes, I was enchanted, and settled in for what I was sure was going to be a well thought out take on the latest book turned movie. I am not stupid- I am well aware of the fact that you just can't squeeze every little nuance of a 900+ page book into a feature length movie- that some things, minor details and the like, are going, by necessity, to have to be left out. However, the first four movies seemed to do this as well without losing the continuity of the book in translation. The scenes were seamless, there was flow and ebb to the movies, and they pretty much remained true to the books for the most part.



#5 however, did not. To me it was more like the cliff notes version of the book, and a jarring version at that...



BAM! They're back at school

BAM! Dolores Umbridge is there

BAM! There's a snake

BAM! Mr. Weasley is attacked

BAM! FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

BAM! Sirius is dead

BAM! the movie is over



To me, there was absolutely no line to the movie, no continuity, just random toss ups of several key story points, and 20 minutes of 3-D fighting, and then it was all over. I left the theater feeling thoroughly disgusted, VERY cheated, and totally disappointed in the whole affair. I felt no connection to any of the characters as I did in the first four, I felt no attachement to the newest additions, there was absolutely no connection to any of the characters- it all felt rather flat to me, on every level.



I read all the reviews before the movie came out. I read several people's reviews HERE on VR after they saw it. I expected this to be every bit as fulfilling and thorough a job as the rest of the movies had been. What I got was what I felt after seeing Back to the Future 2- that Harry Potter 5 was nothing more than an extended trailer for the last two movies yet to come. And it shouldn't have happened that way. There was plenty of material to make an admirable movie, just like the first four.



Somebody seriously dropped the ball on this one. And I may be the only one that thinks so, but I don't care. It's the way I feel.

For STABB, Sahahria, VW, Moonie, and all the rest who ever had to put up with this...
22:03 Jul 21 2007
Times Read: 890

The WORST job
02:29 Jul 18 2007
Times Read: 904

Poor guy - but it's hilarious! Enjoy!





Someone just shared this with me and I thought it was so funny that I just had to share it with you. I hope it gives you a little chuckle to highlight the day!



If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma!

Next time you have a bad day at work, think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana . He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 FM in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , which was sponsoring a "worst job experience" contest. Needless to say, she won.



"Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you

to make you realize it's not so bad after all. "Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the

bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm

is this:

We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a

delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This

floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made

things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I realized what had happened. "The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the

crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was

instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. "Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job." And whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself: is this a "jellyfish bad day?"

Cheers!

02:23 Jul 18 2007
Times Read: 905

Have you ever wondered how a woman's brain works? Well....it's finally explained here in one, easy-to-understand illustration:















Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something that needs to be done, a decision or a problem that needs to be solved.



A man has only 2 balls and they take up all his thoughts.

Subject: Was I bad ?
02:07 Jul 18 2007
Times Read: 909

I rear ended a car a few days ago. The driver got out of the other

car and

he was a DWARF!!



He was ticked off. He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"



I said, "OK, then which one are you?"





Yes, this was a joke- but GAWD it is so me...lol

I just don't understand...
20:01 Jul 15 2007
Times Read: 924

I cannot for the life of me understand how you can do so much for a person, and then when you are the one who needs something, they can completely turn their backs on you. I understand that divorce is not easy in general. I understand I made a choice to leave a man I have loved for 20+ years, primarily because that man no longer wanted me around, and made it obvious in a multitude of ways...

But for those 20+ years, I did everything in my power that I could to make him happy in our life. I supported him through several overseas tours of duty, I took care of the day to day problems at home, by myself, I worked hard, sometimes at two jobs, to put him through college, and in the end, I almost destroyed myself physically and emotionally and mentally to give him the son he so desparately wanted.

So I ask him to get some passport photos of our son, told him WHERE he could go, how MUCH they would cost, and that I had to have them as soon as he could get them in the mail...



What did I get when I called him two weeks later?



"I couldn't find the place to get them done"



*you go to ANY WALGREENS, of which there are 15 around your parent's place in Tennessee, where Connor is for the summer, and where you spent the WEEK of Fourth of July*



" I don't have the money"



*You cashed the child support check for JUNE WHILE you were in Tennessee*



"I'll do it when Connor comes home, in a week and a half"



*If I could wait for this, I would have done it myself when I came down to Florida at the end of the summer. That is WHY I told you when I called you at your parent's house that I needed this taken care of within the next TWO WEEKS*



"Well, what do you expect me to do?"



*I expect you to act like a fucking man- to do the simple things that I ask of you, in a timely fashion. I expect you to call your mama and tell HER to take Connor to Walgreen's and get three passport photos of our son, and I expect her to mail them to me here in Canada, and I expect you to send me a copy of his birth certificate as you were ASKED POLITELY to do. I am not asking you to do these things because I want to put you out, cause you IRREPARABLE HARM, or jerk a knot in your shorts. I am asking because it is necessary for me to finish my residency paperwork, and failure to do so will most likely result in my losing my residency, all the time and hard work we have put into starting a new life for me, and the $3000 plus we have put out to get this done, which means starting over FROM SCRATCH, and another $3000 I cannot afford right now.*



What I expect is for you to act like the man you were when we were married, and the man you were for the bulk of our marriage- not the whiney, blame casting ASSHOLE you have become since you came back from overseas this last time. Not EVERYTHING that has gone wrong can be my fault...sooner or later, you'll have to look at yourself, and what you did and are DOING to me, and realize that you share an equal blame for our marriage ending.

gotta love it
08:30 Jul 12 2007
Times Read: 938

There is something uniquely satisfying about playing hangman ad nauseum until you put your house over that 300,000....





Members: 47

Favor: 300005

Score: 8.64897





and the word that put us at 300,000?



O U T D R E A M E D

Just for the cat.....LMAO
04:22 Jul 11 2007
Times Read: 945

An interesting set of definitions...
19:34 Jul 06 2007
Times Read: 963

From the book “Dark Debts” by Karen Hall….





“The word Satanist is misleading to begin with. There are all kinds of Satanists--”

Michael shifted in his seat, annoyed by the digression. Charlotte plowed ahead, unfazed.

“You’ve got your self-styled individual weirdos. You usually hear about them when they get arrested. The “nightstalker" character, for example. They make it up as they go along and then blame the Devil. Not that the Devil isn’t involved. But Satanism, like Christianity, was always meant to be a group activity.”

Then you’ve got the dabblers. People who think it’s cute. I’ve seen more than a few heavy metal teenagers who’ve conjured up something they don’t know what to do with. I’d be willing to bet that’s what happened to your Danny Ingram.”

“Then you’ve got your “Pop” Satanists. The Anton LeVay crowd. They’re just slightly more sophisticated dabblers.:

The gang to worry about are the traditional Satanists. You’ll rarely hear about them, and very little has been written. But they’re out there. They’ve been out there for a long time. They’re very quiet and very careful. They have to be, or they’d all be in jail.”

Countess Moon made this for me...LMAO
04:37 Jul 05 2007
Times Read: 980

Dude......
08:16 Jul 04 2007
Times Read: 987




Man Beats Peacock He Says Was Vampire



POSTED: 4:24 pm EDT July 1, 2007

UPDATED: 4:28 pm EDT July 1, 2007



NEW YORK -- A peacock that roamed into a fast-food restaurant parking lot was attacked by man who vilified the bird as a vampire, animal-control authorities said.







Beaten so fiercely that most of his tail feathers fell out, the bird was euthanized, said Richard Gentles, a spokesman for the city's Center for Animal Care and Control.



"It's just unbelievable that someone would do something to a poor, defenseless animal and do it in such a cruel fashion," he said.



The peacock, a male several years old, wandered into a Staten Island Burger King parking lot and perched on a car hood Thursday morning. Charmed employees had been feeding him bread when the man appeared.



He seized the iridescent bird by the neck, hurled it to the ground and started kicking and stomping the creature, said worker Felicia Finnegan, 19.



"He was going crazy," she said.



Asked what he was doing, she said, the attacker explained, "'I'm killing a vampire!'"



Employees called police, but the man ran when he saw them. Authorities were looking for the attacker, described as being in his teens or early 20s.



It was not clear how the bird made his way to the Burger King, but a Staten Island resident who raises peacocks said he had given some to a person who lives near the restaurant.

MY weather
22:53 Jul 03 2007
Times Read: 995

20°C

Partly cloudy

Wind W 11km/h

Relative Humidity 73%

Dewpoint 15°C

Pressure 102.41 kPa

Visibility 32.0 km





For those of you celsius challenged- it's about 68 degrees outside right now...lol

ya gotta LOVE Carlin
21:21 Jul 02 2007
Times Read: 1,004

George Carlin's Solution to Save Gasoline



Bush wants us to cut the amount of gas we use. The best way to stop using so much gas is to deport 11 million illegal immigrants!

That would be 11 million less people using our gas. The price of gas would come down.



Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the border. When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Iraq. Tell him if he wants to come to America, then he must serve a tour in the military. Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it. After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country. He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal patriot. This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves here.



If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo. Problem solved.



If you think this is a good solution to both the problems, forward it to your friends. I just did.



George Carlin